Change Places!

randomly written at the airport

come on, guy
give us something a little better than this

As varied as nature is, so is human nature. The endless abyss of the dynamic. The ever-changing sky of the soul.

For the past few years (ever since I began writing) I've adopted and adapted personalities. Lately, it seems, the pace has quickened. At a breakneck speed envied by the white rabbit, I change. Sometimes I end up in places I never thought I'd be. Sometimes I sit in a seat all too familiar to my mind and body.

"CHANGE PLACES!!!" Screams the Mad Hatter, the conscience of my subcontious. And like a whipping boy, I obey. The problem is, I've never had the desire to disobey. I have been stuck in this rabbit-hole, at this table, in this state - for far too long. I have welcomed in a habitual madness that rivals that of my Host.

If you know my prediciment or even sit at my table, then I apologize and I feel your pain -
-However- You must attempt to see the positive whirlpool in this sea of negativity. As we sit at this table, we dance this game of musical chairs to the tune of the Dead Kennedys and Rancid, you must appreciate the company kept. Such a vast array of characters does not welcome itself to just anyone. Also, appreciate that this storm of emotions rears a certain beauty along with its "ugly head" - at the top of every wave is a view that the Himalayas would be jealous of. Most of all and at the same time - least of all - appreciate the food in front of you. Learn to appreciate, mes amis, for there is one good thing about this situation that you may not have realized and that is...at least the Queen hasn't found you yet.

He screams, "Change Places!!!"
And like a whipping boy, I obey.

06-MAR-09

On the same sort of atmosphere as so few months ago, a mood completely the opposite overtakes me. "Melancholy" is so gray. This is a little more...abstract?...with a sense of physical exhaust and pain breaking ground in the marrow and breathing out of every pore. It doesn't breathe heavy. It doesn't breathe thick. It just breathes. It vents. It vents and it sighs. You just look in the mirror and there it is, starring with overall tired eyes and such withered expression. I half-smile and nod at my reflection. I accept defeat. I fall back...down yet another cliff. Luckily, this one has a bed at the bottom. I pull the covers over my shoulder and hope that when I wake up...I can conquer yet another cliff...I embrace the mere thought of a dream...and wonder what kind I will have.

and if I'll ever want to leave.

Dear Lemming

Dear Lemming,

How many times can one pull some sort of ultimate revival? How many times can you stand on your feet and say that you will not fall again? Who are you trying to kid?

I don't see a man.
I don't see a boy.
I don't see the Ouroboros.
I don't see the Phoenix.
I see a Lemming.

I see a lemming that falls off every cliff except the one he was destined to.
-Falls off a two foot tall cliff and survives a fall that Death himself set
-Falls off a five foot tall cliff and survives thinking he won an epic battle against the forces of Evil.
-Falls off a seven foot tall cliff and cries for a few hours before getting up and claiming something mythical and jazzing up the story so as not to feel even worse.

So you watch others take the real dive. You watch them recover and you realize that your "Cliff" is nothing but a ledge.

So is it jealousy that drives you? Do you feel depressed? Do you feel angry? Do you recognize their glorious recovery over a fall that makes your own feel like a hike? - No, you simply sit there and wonder. You are slowly fading away and you aren't even sure whether or not to give a damn. You're becoming a Lemming without a cliff, a cold without a cough, a tiger without that sharp bite.

Sincerely,
Toi

it is a psuedo-life i live

I know of course that I'm not the only Lemming in the world of today, but I am sorry to disappoint..myself more than anything. [those that truly know me should know what I mean by that]

But I now know my true self. I am the Lemming. I can begin climbing the cliffs and ledges once again...although I may slip and fall time and again or even jump of my own free will...it is my hope that I will once again reach the top. And when I stop writing next time I hope that it is for lack of pain/stress/sorrow - and not because of apathy.

the world is upside down
when you go headfirst

Superpowers

"...if I were to have a superpower, it'd be apathy."

Well, Miss, I'd have to disagree

In the past two to four years I have embraced apathy as if it were the Holy Grail, and ever since that first sip, I have become lost in the intoxicating levels consumed from this grail.
I won't lie to you, it has plenty of benefits. I no longer suffer from heartache or heartbreak. I'm no longer in a constant state of worry about trivial things. It is not a weight upon my shoulders, at first glance, but instead it is a "lack-there-of."

even within the ever-so-fun Hall of Mirrors,
you can find something you hate staring back at you

So of course there is a downside or two. There is no such thing as "free bliss." The more I think about how little I care...my mind becomes uneasy. I fear for the possibilities of how far this may spread. How much of me will be consumed by this blight? Will it ever actually stop? Can anyone tell? It is an unsuccessful path, in the eyes of many...however, in my eyes...it's simply a gift and a curse. It isn't the first and isn't the last.

it just "is"

As for you, Miss, I feel as though you may end up down a much higher path. I do not believe you to be as plagued as I, no matter how much you may doubt it. You are nowhere near condemned because you have a particular redeeming Superpower of your own.

you're simply too bright

There is nothing that can bring you down into the shadows. I've written about watching the world burn through my eyes, but you...you burn BRIGHT. You are one to be admired. You are one to be treated with the utmost respect. You are ONE, yet you are so many.

Apathy would not be your hypothetical superpower. In fact, your hypothetical superpower is your Smile.

It's your smile when you laugh.
It's your smile when you shine with some sort of evil&humorous thought.
It's your smile when you enjoy music (you know, that simple - eyes closed and head tilted back, lounged in your chair, topped off with a lovely grin).
It's your smile, and it could bring Superman to his knees.

It is your Superpower. And you use it all-so-well.

I thank you, Miss, and I hope you never stop smiling.

Is it my vision, or...

[yet another written at work.]

Driving down Jerusalem Avenue, I see the wall of a nearby church...and then as if the world were in slow motion, I have a realization...I can't focus on a single brick...All I see is a wall...what's become of me?...I begin to invent reasons and excuses (as I always do) :

1. I have driven down the same path for over a year. I have dulled my attention to detail because there is no longer anything alive through these eyes that deserve it. This is a disease that may very well have spread to other aspects of my life. What will fall prey to this disease? What will Prevail? Or better yet, Will I even care enough to do something about it? It seems as though I have come full circle...right back to apathy.
2. I simply don't care. It isn't a matter of senses and of habit. It's a simple case of apathy.
   "Who the fuck cares about a brick?"
   "Who the fuck cares about a wall?"
   "Honestly...who cares if I care?"
   If it's apathy I'm up against, I've already lost.
3. Clean, easy, and plausible - My vision is fading. I drift closer and closer to blindness - No longer the double-edged blade, I am now the Samuri himself.

Whatever the case, it's one of the only things in a very long time that truly seems to bother me. It's one of the only things that I can think of without pushing it aside with my SFW attitude. We shall see how this all plays out...farewell, mes amis.